The Power of No!

I was attempting to get ready for church and like every Sunday, I was having trouble deciding what to wear. If you know me, you find that hard to believe. I am an admitted clothes hog. Is there a 12 step program for my addiction? Moving on...

As I rifled through the racks, finding clothes I'd forgotten I'd purchased...clothes that I had not even worn...some I've grown tired of... and some I've outgrown. As I tried on the third outfit and fourth pair of shoes...don't ask...I finally asked myself, is this necessary?

At that very moment I looked around the room, that has become my closet and realized, that this room was a reflection of what was happening in my life.

Outgrown, over flowing, overstuffed, disorganized, misused, unnecessary...

I didn't need 12 steps to understand that having more shoes than Emelda Marcos is not necessary. My life had become stuffed. My day job, my night job, my community commitments were causing me to OVER COMMIT...and that caused me stress. Quite frankly I grew weary and like my outdated clothing, I realized that some things are just NOT necessary.

It's not necessary for me to have such an abundance of clothing that I can't remember buying them. It's not necessary to say yes to every request. Requests to attend every birthday party, cookout, fashion show, seminar, bridal shower, wedding, graduation, meeting and house warming. Requests for loans, which turn into gifts because that loan is never repaid. Requests for help. Yes, I said it! I had to realize that I don't know everything. I can't do everything... and I don't have enough money, time or strength for all the people who ask for something. As my Pastor says, "I ain't all that!".

Now my epiphany about what is not necessary in my life has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with me...and I'm glad about it!

I've learned to say NO! Ahhh yes, the power of NO! You see since I've said no to you, I've found new passions. Saying no to you keeps me stress free. I don't have to send your calls to voicemail. Saying no to you has cleared my schedule! Saying no to you has taken away sleepless nights. Saying no to you has helped me find the time and money I thought I didn't have. Saying no to you has shown me what is necessary....ME!

Misery loves Company

Misery loves company. Remember this old saying? I've heard it from my grandmother, mother, elders...and recently, I found myself saying it to a group of middle school students.

These young students have the same problems that we had when we were growing up. Jealousy and envy; they just use a catchy word to describe it..."hater".

The Urban Dictionary has numerous definitions of the word “hater’. Here are a few:

Hater, a person that simply cannot be happy for another person's success. Rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person.

Hater, A person who feels anger and/or jealousy for someone who has succeeded in something they have worked hard for. A person who speaks badly, and/or takes negative actions in attempt to create problems for a successful person.

Hater, A person that develops a strong dislike for another, solely basing their own opinion on personal judgment rather than objective merit. The formation of a hater's contempt commonly arises from jealously and/or resentment.

Hating, the result of being a hater, is not exactly jealousy. The hater doesn’t really want to be the person he or she hates; rather the hater wants to knock someone else down a notch. For example;

Susan: You know Kevin from accounting is doing very well. He just bought a house in a very nice part of town.

Jane (hater): If he is doing so well why does he drive that '89 Taurus?

There have been songs written about jealousy and envy or haterism: the act of hating.

“Backstabbers” written in 1972 sung by the O’Jays:

"They smile in your face, all the time they want to take your place

The backstabbers, backstabbers!"

“Jealousy” written in 1986 sung by Club Nouveau:

“They told me if I'd help them

They'd be in debt for life

But when I turned my back to get support

They stabbed me with a knife

I don't need jealousy no

I don't want the bad talk around me

I don't need no jealousy

I don't want the bad talk around me.”

“So Good” written in 1999 sung by Destiny’s Child:

This is for the haters that had said we wouldn't make it

Now we're down platinum and now you can't take it

For all the people 'round us that have been negative

Look at us now, see how we live

I stay down with my people, all the ones who keep it real

Didn't get caught up and how that make you feel?

All the things I'm doin' that you thought I never could

I want you to know that I'm doin' so good.

“Hate on Me” written in 2007 sung by Jill Scott:

If I could give you the world on a silver platter

Would it even matter? You'd still be mad at me

If I could find in all this a dozen roses

Which I would give to you you'd still be miserable

In reality I'm gon' be who I be and I don't feel no faults

For all the lies that you bought

You can try as you may break me down when I say

That it ain't up to you gonna do what you do

Hate on me hater now or later

'Cause I'm gonna do me you'll be made baby

Go 'head and hate on me hater I'm not afraid of

What I got I paid for you can hate on me.

The same issues continue to stifle the hearts and minds of the innocent. At what point in life do we realize that we need one another? That we are connected. That by the mere fact that we are human helps us to understand and feel and hurt and and cry and laugh and love…

Those middle school girls were searching for answers to questions that I did not have the answers to. All I could tell them was unfortunately, you will always be hated for something. No one is immune! The songwriters wrote about it to relieve their pain. People will hate where you live, your car, your clothes, your hair, your friends, your life, your opinion…YOU! While they say they hate you, they hate themselves most.

Love anyway. Love anyhow. Love always…Celebrate the successes of others. Give to those less fortunate and love, love, love, your enemies.

Love, there’s nothing better than love. There’s no one better than love.

Kristal

"ME" Time

I just returned from a fantastic mini vacation. It couldn't have come at a better time. Another year ending, a new year beginning... Personal conflicts, business issues and just a serious case of the blues.

I've always looked at vacations as a chance to recharge, to revive, to invigorate. This trip meant rest. No clocks, no appointments, no responsibility. "ME" time.

The beach, 80 degree temperatures ( I live in a cold climate), and beautiful sunsets were just the prescription, for the mind boost I need to get through a new year.

My vacation was going as planned. I slept late. I ate what I wanted. I played on the beach and I slept when my body told me to sleep. Then... it happened! I saw the most breathtaking sunset. I watched the sky covered in a blanket of blue became an awesome splendor of red and orange. I witnessed the magnificent sun appear to drop from the sky and be swallowed whole by the blue, green ocean.

Then, I witnessed the sunrise. God woke me just in time to witness that same, fire filled sphere, rise from the depths of ocean to take its rightful place in the eastern sky, to provide light and life to everything in its wake.

Now, I've seen sunrises and sunsets before...but, what I witnessed was so much more!

With every sunset, we have another chance. Another chance to try again, to get it right, to begin again, to be reborn, to apologize. With every sunrise, we have another chance to love, to be loved, to live and to thrive!

Broken

As a child, my mother worked second shift. My brother, sister, and I would be left to fend for ourselves most evenings. We made the best of it. We would always find some sort of new game or adventure. We played fort, we played hide and seek, we played basketball, we played hard! Our living room was transformed into a city street, a forest, a jungle or a playground. Now, we didn’t have a lot, but I remember my mother had a few items that she treasured. On our living room table, a ceramic bull and matador set. She adored these pieces. Anyone one else have this set?

My mother used to leave us explicit instructions about playing in the house. We’d better not do it! We tried to adhere to her rules, but when it’s too cold to play outside, you’ve watched all of the cartoons you can find, and you’re tired of playing board games... tossing around the Nerf football won’t hurt anything! Right?!

Yeah right! My brother’s “stone hands” could not handle my pass and the matador took it right in the chest. OH NO! Ceramic matador hits hard wood floors and you already know the outcome.

On this day in particular, we had a lot of time before my mother would be home. All we needed to do was fix it. We thought about using duct tape...Nah... we only had grey duct tape. We thought about using scotch tape...Nah...she would see that. We decided to use glue. The only glue available was yellow, wood, glue. Yes, yellow, wood glue. The ceramic matador was brown with white accents. We were optimistic! We figured if we glued it back together, and wiped off the excess yellow, wood, glue there’s NO WAY she would notice!

We gathered up every piece of the wounded matador. We painstakingly glued each piece back together. We attempted to wipe off the excess but, the glue became tacky and parts of the paper towel we used to wipe the excess became part of the matador.

We put it together and placed it back in it’s usual place on the living room table. We cleaned the living room, carefully looking for any remaining evidence of the incident. Then we waited...we felt pretty confident with our work. No way she would notice the battered matador...even with the yellow, wood, glue seeping through the fractures.

Guess what? It didn’t take long for my mother to notice that her once proud matador had been reduced to an imperfect piece of ceramic, masked by wood glue and paper towels. We paid dearly for that moment of disobedience.

Our feeble attempt at repairing something broken, reminds me of how we wear masks in our lives, in order to give the appearance that we are okay.

How often have you looked in the eyes of another and said to yourself, I know what their going through? How often do you see pain, sorrow and grief in the eyes of another? How often do you look in the mirror and see your own pain? How often do we laugh when we want to cry? How often do we cry when we want to scream? How many times have we said yes when we wanted to say no. How many times have we gone along to get along.

We hide behind a lifetime of faulty repair work. We seek our repair from talk shows, self help books and inspirational emails. We don our masks daily, not realizing how the temporary glue is seeping through our fractured hearts and minds. We hope that we won’t be revealed.

We’ve been beaten, berated, demeaned, lied about, lied to, cheated on, talked about, hated, mistreated, used and abused. Yet we refuse to speak up, speak out, speak about, what we’ve been through. We won’t share what we’re going through in order to save another from this personal hell. It’s as if we want to see others in pain so that we won’t have to be alone. Will we ever be unbroken?

Kristal

PEACE and QUIET

When I was a child, I remember my mother yelling at me and my siblings as we were playing to “GET SOMEWHERE AND SIT DOWN!” She said she wanted some “PEACE and QUIET.” I found it curious that if she wanted “PEACE and QUIET” why was she yelling.

As the years would go by, my mother never seemed to be able to locate “PEACE and QUIET.” At least, I have never heard her admit to finding this treasure. Through my years of growth and exploration, I too seek the refuge of peace and quiet. When I tire of the demands work, family and life, I seek “PEACE and QUIET.”

A short lived television series (1985-1986) called The New Twilight Zone, aired an episode called, "A Little Peace and Quiet". This is the opening narration:

“Wouldn't it be nice if, once in a while, everyone would just shut up and stop pestering you? Wouldn't it be great to have the time to finish a thought or spin a daydream? To think out loud without being required to explain exactly what you meant? If you had the power, would you dare to use it, even knowing that silence may have voices of its own...to the Twilight Zone?”

I don’t believe my mother wanted a world completely silent as this episode portrayed. I believe my mother was looking for silence within the chaos of her world. Are you able to find peace in the chaos of your world?

I have found peace in the Sunrise.

I have found peace in the Sunset.

I have found found peace on a white sandy beach.

I have found peace in the turmoil of an urban city street.

I have found peace in an intimate conversation.

I have found peace at a robust music concert.

I have found peace in a gentle touch.

I have found peace in a tender memory.

I have found peace within quiet.

Kristal

L-O-V-E

I received a gift accompanied by a card that was signed L-U-V-Y-A...Luv ya!

Now I consider the person who gave me the gift, one of my closest friends. I read the card again and the second time through it read just as eloquently as the first until I got to the L-U-V-Y-A!

You see those five letters L-U-V-Y-A, made me feel cheated...abbreviated. This reduction of letters somehow conveyed a lack of emotion being shown me. I understand that this world has become a text messaging, technology driven, time conscious society; but when did we start substituting real LOVE for this convenient, cutesy, L-U-V-Y-A?! I equate this term with my teens and early twenties. A time when I did not fully understand what it means to LOVE. I am not just talking about romantic LOVE. I am talking LOVE of friends too. There was a time when I did not know that LOVE was more than wanting to be in that person’s presence 24/7. LOVE is more that missing them when you are apart. LOVE is more than wanting to provide nice gifts, more than extending a helping hand... LOVE is more that an abbreviation at the end of a card!

When I LOVE, it’s spiritual, emotional, physical and present. When I say or write I LOVE YOU, it means, I pray for you, I feel your pain, I feel your joy, I cheer for you, I get angry with you, I long for you... My LOVE deserves to be reciprocated and L-U-V-Y-A just won’t do.

When I say or write I LOVE YOU, you receive and become part of me.

Don’t abbreviate your LOVE for me...

LOVE,

Kristal

Best Shape of My Life

In Spring of this year, I turned 45. Now I’m not one to be concerned about my age but this year I have been suffering through some weird illnesses. I was diagnosed with bronchitis only to be struck with pneumonia and to top it all off, I finished it up with H-pylori...YUCK. For those of you who don’t know, H-pylori is a bacteria in your stomach. You can go for years without symptoms. Thank God I had symptoms. They were horrible symptoms...Google it when you get a chance.

I have always been athletic and I would say I was in the best shape of my life about 14 years ago. I had a six pack, I could do pull ups, my aerobic conditioning was great...I felt pretty good about myself.

When I got over all three illnesses, I felt horrible. I felt fat. I felt weak. I kept trying to think of ways to get back the “eye of the tiger”. I would go to the gym, but I ate anything I wanted. I trained for a marathon with a friend last year and I still ate what I wanted. I walked and went to dance class but, I ate what I wanted. Needless to say...I like to eat!

I couldn’t believe how hard it was to get that drive back. I mean it was a way of life for me 14 years ago. I prepared my meals, I ate 6 small meals a day and I worked out religiously...what happened to me?

Now it would be easy for me to blame it on age. It would be easy for me to blame it on work. It would be easy for me to blame it on being busy; but let’s call it was it is...I got lazy and complacent. I needed to kick myself in the behind.

I’m not one to ask for help. I’m not one to share what my plans are but at this point in my life I felt as if I couldn't be the only one with this problem. I noticed a lot of my friends were struggling too. Struggling to find the motivation to get healthy.

Then it hit me...I am an avid Facebook user. I've seen many people provide status updates about going to college and preparing for job interviews. I decided to use it in a different way.

Approximately 44 days ago, I challenged myself to 60 days of clean eating and intense workouts. To prove I was serious, I placed the challenge on Facebook and asked some friends to join me! I didn’t realize at the time how much support I would get from a social networking site. Facebook has been holding me accountable! When I don’t post, I have friends who are asking, “WHERE ARE YOU?” Facebook has provided a support group at no charge!

Today is day 16 and I feel great! I have lost approximately 15 lbs! I am eating 6 small meals per day, I am drinking a minimum of 1 gallon of water daily and my workouts are intense. I cannot believe that Facebook has been instrumental in kick starting my journey to getting back into the best shape of my life!

Are you with me?